OH
THAT
DIANA DAVIS
THE WRITER ONE
A LITERARY DOOMSCROLL
This social media anthology of humorous essays (that I wrote instead of finishing that boring ADHD assessment) is growing every day and is a sneak peek at my upcoming essay collection, Does This Couch Make My Ass Look Fat?, an unfiltered look at life through the eyes of an ADHD brain.
Other essays I’ve written have appeared through the Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop, BluntMoms, and other prominent humor and lifestyle outlets. Which really only proves one important thing: I’m not the only one who thinks I’m funny.
FEATURED ESSAYS
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I woke up at 3 a.m. in a puddle of sweat. (My sweat. Gross. But also, thank God. Someone else’s would have been way grosser.)
So I did the only obvious thing––raced to my daughter’s school. In a car. Not on foot. That would’ve been crazy. But first I put on pants. And for that, I deserve credit.
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When I was eight months pregnant with my second daughter, Charlotte, this weird feeling washed over me, and suddenly I wanted to do something different.
Something…nice.
A whole bunch of people I didn’t ask called it “nesting.”They said my motherly instinct was telling me to clean and organize the house for the new baby.
That didn’t sound right.A few days earlier, my motherly instinct told me my birth plan should be to squat in a Marshalls fitting room and let the next customer deal with it. At least, that’s what I heard. So instead...
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Every time something comes weirdly easy to me, like sketching a hyper-realistic eyeball with a golf pencil, and I think, “This is it. My life’s purpose!” my brain will hard-cross its arms and shout, “You suck,” right in my face.
Even if, despite what Tom says, the thing I did is undeniably impressive.
Rude.
But I’m not offended. Because my brain is right. I do suck. At everything.
LET'S DOOMSCROLL TOGETHER
SUBSCRIBE HERE
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BUT WHICH WRITER ONE
ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
This is my ruminating face. Sometimes confused with my bitch face. But to be honest, I’m probably ruminating
about what a bitch I'm being.
CRINGY THIRD-PERSON BIO
Diana Davis is an award-winning storyteller and nationally recognized copywriter whose sharp, comedic voice has powered campaigns for major brands, celebrity talent, and leading entertainment platforms. Her work has earned Clio, ADDY, GEMA, and Shorty Awards, and her screenwriting has placed in top international competitions.
Her debut middle grade novel, Liv Forever: Never Say Zombie, has received international recognition and five-star reviews. Her essays have appeared on prominent humor and lifestyle platforms.
She lives in Montclair, New Jersey, with her husband, her daughters, and a dog whose nipples she once mistook for ticks.
RESUME. THE ONE THAT MATTERS.
All of the ’80s – Child Slave
All of Central Jersey
Got robbed when I agreed to vacuum the whole house for 25 cents. Vowed to make a better life for myself.
Sometime in the Mid-’90s – Confections by Jon, Cashier
Middlesex, NJ
Ate a whole cake in under five minutes. Got fired.
A Few Months Later – Herman’s Sporting Goods, Cashier and Shoe Saleswoman
Green Brook, NJ
Quickly learned that a jockstrap and a chinstrap are two very different things. Very different.
The Mid to Late ’90s – Wannabe Freelance Writer
Middlesex, NJ
Wrote and sold my very first story to Seventeen magazine called The Maxi Pad Dilemma. (And yes, there is a dilemma.)
Late ‘90s – Dr. Neil Perkins Dentistry, Assistant to the Dental Assistant’s Assistant
Bound Brook, NJ
Witnessed a root canal. Crossed “Dentist” off my list of potential careers. And doctors to ever visit again.
Even Later, Late ‘90s – FAO Schwarz, Catalog Intern
New York, NY
Wrote my first official printed piece of copy: Available in more colors.
Getting Close to 2000– Sleazy Restaurant I Can’t Recall, Cocktail Waitress
Wilkes-Barre, PA
Learned how to say, “Take your hand off my ass,” in Spanish.
Definitely 2000s (I think) – Grey Advertising, Copywriter
New York, NY
Wrote the best lipstick shade name of all time for a kids’ line of lip gloss: Fe-Fi-Fo-Plum.
Mid-2000s – MTV Networks, Copywriter
New York, NY
Got contact high from Snoop Dogg in the elevator.
Around 2010ish– SYFY/NBCUniversal, Copywriter
Wrote the best tagline of my career for a paranormal investigation show starring William Shatner. Ready? Wait for it…
“The paranormal investigation show that is completely full of Shat.”
The 2020s - Homicidal Octopus, Killer Ideas With Lots of Legs - Freelance Writer (A Real One)
Montclair, NJ
Someone dared me to name my LLC Homicidal Octopus, so I did. Because I’m a risk-taker. Now I’m hired by companies all over the country to make cool shit.
Awards
In fourth grade, I won second place in a Dental Association contest for my tagline: “Brush and Floss, Show Plaque Who’s Boss.” All other awards pale in comparison.
LET'S TALK.